Every holiday season, we’re inundated with those overachieving family newsletters—so perfect they feel almost fictional. Back in 2008, I came across a hilarious parody of such letters and shared it with friends. This year, I decided it was time for an update. You can find the original letter that started it all, here. I’ve also copied it below followed by my 2024 edition. Enjoy the tradition of humblebrag humor, holiday-style!
Original Letter
Dear Friend,
It is that time of year again to share with you our adventures in this journey we call life. 2000 has been another year of magic and wonder…Lori almost 3, is quite a talker. She continues to amaze the professors at the University with her intuition in foreign languages. It was fun for her to serve as Official Translator for Warren Christopher at the Bosnian-Serbian Peace Talks. She intends to spend this Holiday transcribing War and Peace into Arabic and Cantonese.
Chris, now 5, is growing in leaps and bounds. When he got his first set of building blocks he seemed quite interested in large buildings. This year he designed his first skyscraper and ground was broken in Hong Kong for the new “Little Man” Towers. It is great to have a budding architect at home as he made a new addition to the house and a wonderful gazebo for our garden. Martha Stewart will be filming her next show here in April.
Betsy had a very busy year. In between her work as President of the American Cancer Society and Senior Partner of Goldman Sachs, she introduced a line of children’s novels and hand made active-wear. She remains occupied with the children and has introduced them to Yoga and power walking this year. We are particularly proud of Mom as a starting forward representing the United States in the World Cup.
Dave was immersed with his Graduate School studies, and managed to co-author a paper on Multidimensional Customer Attribute Analysis by Conjoint Survey and accept a Nobel Prize for his discoveries in Quantum Physics. Along the way Dave took three startups through their IPO. We are proud of his work serving on the Board of Directors of IBM, Coca-Cola, and Walt Disney. Dad was also active with the kids teaching Lauren Ballet and helping to lower Chris’ handicap to 5. We were able to squeeze a little traveling in this year. We started in Aspen, went to Belarus, the Congo, Denmark, Ethiopia, the Falklands, Greenland, Holland, Italy, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, New Zealand, Venezuela, and Zaire. Our trip sailing our new boat around the world was a great experience for the kids, we learned to communicate with Dolphins and discovered a new region of deep water volcanoes.
And Sergeant, our German shepherd, learned to speak. Latin. Other than that, it was a very quiet year. So from our household to yours, all the Blessings of the Season and may your New Year be prosperous. We found out yesterday that we won the $150 Million Powerball Lottery.
The Wannabes,
Betsy, Dave, Chris & Lori
Twenty-four years later, our world has evolved dramatically. It felt only right to refresh this classic for 2024. While some things stay the same—like ambitious pets and impossible family achievements—here’s a modern twist.
2024 Updated Letter
Dear Friends,
It’s that time of year again to reflect on the remarkable achievements and quiet moments (but mostly remarkable achievements) that have graced our family in 2024.
Lori, now 27, continues to dazzle us with her linguistic prowess. This year, she translated the Encyclopedia Britannica into Klingon and served as the chief interpreter during the first-ever diplomatic summit with AI humanoid delegates. Her work decoding whale song into sheet music was nominated for a Grammy.
Chris, now 29, completed the first manned Mars flyby, returning just in time to receive his Pulitzer Prize for his photo essay, Selfies from Space. Inspired by his journey, NASA has renamed its Houston headquarters to “Chris Control.” In his downtime, Chris is working on a documentary about penguin yoga, which will premiere at Cannes.
Betsy took a sabbatical from her positions as Chair of the UN Security Council and head of NASA to focus on her artistic side. She debuted her first Broadway musical (AI Love You: A Robot Romance) and launched a clothing line made entirely of recycled moon dust. Her cookbook, Gastronaut: Recipes from the Space Kitchen, hit #1 on the New York Times bestseller list.
Dave added a quiet year to his repertoire. After negotiating a new peace treaty in the Middle East and brokering a merger between Tesla and Boeing, he focused on his true passion: archeology. While excavating in his spare time, Dave discovered Atlantis, which we’ll be visiting over the holidays—thank goodness for his time machine, so we can all fit it into our schedules.
Our travels this year were tame compared to years past. We scaled Mount Everest (barefoot), explored the Mariana Trench, and discovered two previously unknown species of butterflies. Our yacht, now fully solar-powered, took us through the Northwest Passage as part of Lori’s ongoing research into polar ice cap preservation.
Even Sergeant, our 17-year-old German Shepherd, continues to amaze us. He now speaks fluently in ancient Sumerian and is training younger dogs in advanced calculus. We’re so proud of him for his cameo in the Barbie sequel this summer, where he played Ken’s loyal (and multilingual) companion.
And finally, the big news: We were honored to co-host the 2024 Summer Olympics after Paris called us for help at the last minute. Thanks to Betsy’s quick work with city planning and Lori’s translation skills, the games went off without a hitch—except for the llama incident during the opening ceremony, but who could have predicted that?
So, from all of us to all of you: Best wishes for a quiet, ordinary 2025.
Yours,
The Wannabes
Betsy, Dave, Chris, Lori, and Sergeant
What’s the most ridiculous holiday letter you’ve ever received? Let me know in the comments—or better yet, share your own parody ideas!
